Return of the Red Lion Bikers... Europe 2011

Hello again and a belated happy new year to you all. Now as you can see from the accompanying snaps, time spent since April has been largely frittered and wasted on puerile pursuits largely to the sole benefit of your friend and mine, St Terence, but in the depths of this winter not everything has been dormant and cold down Hollington way...

In a move which is likely to test the true meaning of the 'Entente Cordiale' (which to us just sounds like posh orange squash) the gentlemen of the Red Lion Bikers are pleased to announce that their 'once in a lifetime' trip to the USA in 2010 was actually just the forerunner of what, on the quiet at least, is now officially an annual event. This year we go to Europe.

So, to all our European neighbours (viz your sillee accents and ladies viz zee hairy armpits)... you thought that the debt crisis, contagion and the sinking Euro were problems... i'm afraid you were wrong and have seen nothing yet...

We leave these shores on 21st May for two weeks which will take us to places we've never heard of... France, Spain, Andorra (surely a made up name for a country??), Italy, Switzerland, Luxembourg and Belgium.

Now, if any of you out there in internet land would like to once more share in our exploits (surely there must be more than three of you??) then please follow the link to an all new blog which will be live over the next few days :-

www.rlbeurope2011.blogspot.com

I would like to be able to promise you an inspiring and informative travelogue as we traverse Europe but in reality it will probably be yet more of the same drunken and inane ramblings but please do join in and feel free to add your oh-so-enlightening comments once more.

As a bit of an appetiser and aide memoir (yep... you'd better get used to all the faux French and there'll be plenty of 'double entendres' too no doubt) take a look at this (courtesy of Tony Matthews, apologies to the ELO...). Click here... Wild West Heroes...

The boys return to find their absence has had an affect on trade...

Well, there you are, we're all back safe and sound (in body if not in mind... our brains were addled long since by too many JagerBombs). Our last morning in San Francisco included a very pleasant Guiness breakfast in an Irish bar where we were creased up by the jokes of a chappy from Armagh we chatted to. The flight home was long and very smelly, so much so that the BA cabin staff had to put air freshener into the air conditioning. Bertie managed lose his van in an empty Heathrow car park but otherwise the trip home was one of reflection and looking forward to seeing those we'd left behind.

It seemed appropriate to end where we'd started but imagine our shock as we arrived back at the Lion to find the notice as shown in the photo attached to the door. It turned out to be a jolly jape on the part of St Terence (very funny...) and we were soon enjoying our first decent beer for two weeks. It's been a wonderful experience to go away and do what we've done but it ain't half nice to be back home and it was great to see everyone.

Observations about America - we all had preconceived ideas about what the yanks are like, most of them not too positive. Americans are all too conscious of the way the world perceives them but in reality we found everyone we came into contact with (maybe with the exception of the sarcastic night manager of the Monterey Travelodge) to be polite, welcoming and genuinely friendly. The United States is a huge place, our tour really only scratched the surface of a country which has so many contrasts both in terms of its people and the land itself which is beautiful and astounding in so many different ways. Our experience has left us all with a desire to return there and we'd recommend anyone who gets the chance to do so too.

A few tour statistics for those interested in numbers...

Miles travelled - 2655
Miles travelled collectively -15930
Average speed (includes several hours on tickover while we conferred over directions, waited for Chris to get off the bloody phone or waited for Neil) - 54.1mph
Maximum speed achieved - 125mph
US gallons of fuel used (at $3.00 a gallon! ...take heed Gordon Brown you greedy b*****d) - 398
Times lost en route - too many to mention
Number of speeding fines - 2
Accidents - 0
Bikes dropped - 0
Average Pants worn (please note this average has been severely downwardly affected due to Tony's individual score of 1) - 6
Estimated number of units of alcohol consumed - 1350
Estimated number of cigarettes chuffed - 1200
Estimated number of cigarettes of dubious origin - 2
Average weight gained - don't ask
Average cost of phone calls (figures distorted due to C Colder) - will have to wait nervously for the bill

Unforgettable memories - too many to calculate

Thanks to everyone who's either commented or followed the blog. It's been fun writing it, I hope it's given y'all a few laughs along the way.

The Red Lion Bikers will next be touring... to be confirmed

Me and my big mouth...

Just as I make special mention of those nice people of the California Highway Patrol in yesterday's post for their kindness in leaving us alone for the past two weeks, look what happens...

What I can say is that there were no sarcastic 'who do we think we are then, Barry Sheene... ha bloody ha' comments as one might expect from the boys in blue back home. I can only liken getting nicked by the CHP to buying bananas from Sainsbury's. Very matter of fact, very chatty and was more than willing to let me take photos just to prove I wasn't making it up. 92mph didn't seem to faze Officer Dibble and I was soon on my way. To make matters worse, Andy, riding probably the slowest bike of us all (and an American one at that) also picked up a speeder today. However, as we have ridden a collective 15000 miles it's not a bad result bearing in mind the speeds we've been riding at.

Our last day on the road took us from Yosemite to San Francisco. Despite some beautiful scenery as we headed south from Yosemite the trip thereafter was more highways than byways. The highlight must be riding into SF over the Bay Bridge which is longer and more impressive than the Golden Gate we traversed nearly two weeks ago in the rain. Fortunately also, we were able to locate the bike rental shop in much less than the four hours it took us previously and we are now established in the Whitcomb Hotel in downtown SF for a final night of beer and food and no doubt recounting some of the many stories of the past two weeks.

A word for the bikes which we waved a sad farewell too earlier... without exception they have been superb. The BMWs have been impeccable whether whizzing around tight mountain roads or cruising the highways at over a ton. Pete's GoldWing has, probably as expected, been faultless and proved very agile on the tight stuff. Now then, Andy's Harley... I think by his own admission he would have preferred not to be doing 2500 miles on a bike that could shake your fillings loose when ridden over 50mph and if you happen to talk to him over the next few weeks and he ignores you (which i know sometimes can occasionally be the case) please put it down to deafness as his Hog is one noisy bugger. That said, it's made it round and the worn down foot steps are testament to the fact that he was able to throw it around too.

We travel home tomorrow, look forward to seeing y'all Sunday afternoon where we hope to convene you know where. But like any good story, it ain't over til the fat lady sings and though she may be clearing the phlegm from her throat at this moment I won't draw a line under our adventures til we're back in England's green and pleasant land.

Shame on them... Red Lion Bikers have early night

Six bleary eyed blokes emerged into the Vasalia sun on Thursday morning for our penultimate day on the bikes but yet again one which promised some spectacular scenery as we rode through Yosemite National Park. At a first stop for fuel (ten minutes down the road) several cans of redbull were purchased and Digger must have been feeling bad as he did a Big Mac for breakfast which gives you an idea as to how delicate we were all feeling. The day was another cracker and maybe the pictures will do a better job than my words in telling you how stunning this place is. The day was highlighted by Neil's sighting of a wolf (he claims to have video evidence of this but all we can see is a tiny dot which could be a Poodle), to put this in context he also claims to have met Elvis in Las Vegas, saw Shergar in a field near Fresno and thinks that every American with a beard must have been in ZZTop. In the bar of the Cedar Lodge where we stayed, I later enjoyed a pint with a guy who works for the national park and he was describing to me how his wolf suit really gets hot during the summer months.

As the bar closed early we all had a relatively early night. No phone signal here, no broadband... this really is the wilderness

Visalia hotel gone bust... the guys are on the street

After the breathless thrills of Death Valley, surely nothing could come even close. Lone Pine to Visalia sounds like a nice day out in the country to me. You know, the kind of ride when those usually annoying blue rinse Sunday drivers tootle along at 25mph but you're in such a happy mood that you resist any unpleasant urges and enjoy the view... well for a mile at most. Yet again we encountered wonderful mountain roads, the run down from the snow topped Mount Whitney hills to the beautiful Lake Isabella to the orange groves in 80 degree heat as we approached Visalia which for somewhere I've never heard of is a cracking place. The company who planned the tour for us have done a great job but even they could not foresee that our hotel for the night would be closed, furniture pile up in the lobby, the pool drained and a numerous final demand letters piling up in the mail box. Fortunately, Google came to the rescue and within a few minutes we were esconsed in a far more preferable hotel down the road... opposite a pub. Wednesday night must go down as one of the most memorable of the trip. Upon spying my somewhat now overworn Derby County shirt, we were approached by two guys who live here who used to live in of all places Alvaston. The words 'small' and 'world' came to mind. We also conversed with some of the locals who seem to know more about English football than Tony Matthews (that's not really saying much, i know) but their enthusiasm was unbounded. Rumour has it that there may also be video evidence of a certain member of our party dancing... nothing odd about that you may think until you know who it is. Anyway, after another Chris & Tony sing Queen karaoke which more or less emptied the pub we staggered home. Once again, the locals made us very welcome and we leave Visalia with a very favourable impression.

Two days on the bikes to go, mixed emotions as it's been a fab trip but we're missing y'all. Terry, make sure the Pedigree is good for Sunday.

RLB's Digger in line dancing shocker...

Just when you think this tour can't get any better along comes a day like today. On the face of it, leaving the bright lights and various attractions of Vegas behind was always going be a downer and Lone Pine didn't promise much but as we have discovered several times so far it's how you get there that counts. None of us will ever forget the ride through Death Valley which must surely be one of the most beautiful places anywhere and even pushes Grand Canyon into a close second. A hundred mile stretch of road from Beatty (the archetypal Hill Billy American small town where people seem to spend an unnatural amount of time with their sisters) to Lone Pine is one of the best motorcycle rides you could ever do. Finding fast, empty, perfectly maintained roads in such a place of extreme weather again puts the cobbled dirt tracks we call roads in the UK to shame. The smiles on all our faces when we arrived at Lone Pine said it all. I offer further gratitude to the ladies and gentlemen of the California Highway Patrol who haven't taken the slightest interest in our activities to date. Even Neil (our very own 'Captain Slow') hit 120 today.

Lone Pine, as the name sounds, is not a big place but we do have a theory that if the beds are bug free, there is at least one bar in town and the locals don't take Andy's 'sense of humour' too much the wrong way, then we can have a good time. The town is set in the valley overlooked by Mount Whitney which provides a spectacular backdrop.

An evening spent in Jakes's Bar playing an odd game that can only be described as table top curling was topped off later in the evening when our very own twinkle toes Digger showed the locals how to line dance. It was legendary as Digger now is to the people of Lone Pine.

Wednesday we ride to the unknown quantity of Visalia but I have given up prejudging anywhere. Nowhere has let us down on this trip and, hangovers permitting, we'll be on the bikes at 10am.

Err... do we really let this little guy fly this thing?

On our only rest day of the trip (not that all the others have been exactly too taxing), the boys stocked up on calories (yes, my thoughts precisely) and those who could resist the blackjack tables for a few hours embarked on a helicopter ride to see one of the seven natural wonders of the world (according to the little chap with the big smile who took us there anyway) known as the Grand Canyon.

Using words to try to describe somewhere like the Grand Canyon is impossible. My only advice is that if you ever get the opportunity to see it as we did from the air then beg, borrow, steal, or sell your grandmother or children to do it. It's an incredible experience, as was flying down the strip at roof top height on the way back. Thankfully, no sick bags required though earlier a passing rafter may have needed stitches after being unwittingly pelted with stones whilst paddling into the middle of a 'who can throw a stone furthest into the Colorado river' competition.

There are some people who like Las Vegas... and there are those that don't. On first impressions it seems way over the top, crass and gaudy which I guess it is but wow, what a place! It does help if you aren't averse to the odd flutter as even petrol stations have slot machines and when they build hotels they don't start with the casino on the ground floor for nothing. There are some wonderfully imaginative creations, you only have to look at the Venetian to see what going to work after a good spaghetti bolognese the night before can achieve. Unfortunately, however, the Riviera Hotel isn't one of them. The guy who designed this place which must have happened a long time ago had obviously lost all his talents by then to whiskey and beer. Chris's tip of the day... spend the extra 30 bucks and stay at any of the wonderful hotels down the road. Tip number two... always make sure your cab driver is awake while driving his taxi from Hooters to the Bellagio... and tip number three, don't gamble unless you're winning.

Tuesday takes us to Lone Pine... possibly a slight contrast to Las Vegas